Why Buyers Hate Being Sold To (and How to Fix It)

The psychological concept of reactance explains why people resist being sold to, even when they genuinely want what you're offering. This resistance kicks in when people feel their freedom of choice is threatened during sales conversations.

• Understanding reactance in sales psychology - when buyers feel controlled, they instinctively push back
• Using the traffic light analogy - red light (talking about yourself) vs. green light (focusing on the customer)
• Warning signs of buyer resistance - quieter voice, shorter answers, evasive responses
• Three effective techniques to reduce sales resistance and keep buyers engaged
• Asking permission early and often during sales conversations
• Being mindful of language - avoiding controlling phrases like "you need to" or "you should"
• Cultivating genuine curiosity about the buyer's situation instead of assuming their needs
• The fishing analogy - giving buyers space to "swim" while guiding them toward a decision
• Positioning yourself as a problem solver rather than a salesperson

Download the free PDF with additional suggestions for making these approaches work in your sales conversations. Join our free 45-minute webinar where we cover three techniques that can make an immediate difference to your sales results.

Welcome to the podcast!

Chapters

• 0:18 Why People Hate Being Sold To
• 2:44 The Traffic Light Sales Approach
• 5:28 Three Techniques That Actually Work
• 9:56 Becoming a Problem Solver
• 15:36 Final Tips and Resources

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

So why do people hate being sold to, even when they actually want what it is that you're offering? So the answer to that lies in a little bit of psychology, and that's what we're going to be looking at in this podcast. So my name is Graham Elliott, and let's dive into some reasons why. You might be having conversations with clients that feel like they're going really well and then all of a sudden they disappear or you feel the enthusiasm drops off. So what's going on there? So the first thing to remember is that most people, when they get up in the morning, they don't want to be sold to, and basically the reason for this is something called reactants. Now, this was studied by Jack Bram I think I've pronounced that right in the 60s, and basically it kicks in when people feel that they're losing their freedom or their freedom is threatened, and in this case we're talking about freedom of choice, and the moment that someone feels that you're trying to steer them in some way or you're trying to control them in some way, that's when you get a pushback. They'll instinctively push back, and they'll do that even if what you're offering is good for them, and this isn't just the situation you may have experienced in selling. So it could have been with, let's say, a movie and you go to a friend and say, oh, you have to watch this. Just that phrasing the word have to can immediately trigger some pushback and you might have experienced that either as the person pushing back your friend is selling you this and you kind of, and part of you just doesn't want to do it, or you might have experienced it from the perspective of telling somebody that you really have to see this movie and they just seem to go a bit quiet, they lose a bit of enthusiasm. So that's what it is. This is reactance. So it's not about logic, it's purely emotional and unfortunately, the emotional part of selling is at least as important as the factual part in some ways, and certainly in some circumstances, depending on what it is that you're selling, it can be a lot more important. So you may well have had this situation, perhaps with a client who's disappeared or has gone with somebody else who doesn't have as good a solution, and you really can't understand what's happened, because it's almost a no-brainer that they go with your solution and yet they've still gone with something else. So this comes down to emotions, and this is why we start diving into the psychology, and this is the important part of it. So let's look at a few more examples. Then, what can you do about it? How can you turn that around? And if this is resonating with you, if this is a mistake that you find that you're making, this is definitely a podcast that will help you.

Speaker 1: 3:14

So, common scenario you're on a discovery call, you do perhaps a quick rapport check. You may be talking about the weather or a LinkedIn post, whatever it is, and then you start off with let me tell you a bit about our product and what we do, and that's it. Buyers just shut down. It's what happened there. Well, if you've listened before, you'll know that I offer a full training course, so I'm not going to hide that and I actually dive into this in a lot more detail. But there's a very simple traffic light analogy that you can use and the way to use that, and I'm going to go back to that example of let me tell you a bit about our product and what we do. What you're doing, you're talking about yourself. Okay, you're talking about the company you work for, you're talking about your products, but it's about you and, using the traffic light analogy, that's a red light. So what's the alternative? Well, you start talking about them, and that's a red light. So what's the alternative? Well, you start talking about them, and that's a green light. So the whole point about this and if you are doing this, you're certainly not alone I think most salespeople actually do this they think the sale is about them and therefore and what I mean by that is it's about their products, their solution, what their company can do, but it's all focused on the person doing the selling and it's not focused on the person doing the buying.

Speaker 1: 4:38

And this is such an important distinction and such an important understanding to have that it can completely revolutionize I think I said revolutionize your sales results, and it's something I talk about in detail on the free webinar and, as I say, it's definitely in the course. So what tends to happen when the buyer shuts down? Just so that you know the signs their voice may well get quieter. If you're on a call. Their answers will tend to get shorter. You'll start getting evasive responses, such as they're just exploring options. So these are the warning signs that you just shut them down. So this is reactance, this is emotion kicking in.

Speaker 1: 5:21

And what happens with the buyer? And this is also something that's really important. If you're in a leadership role, but that buyer feels that they're no longer being heard, you're simply there for yourself. You're not really interested in listening to them, what their problem is and what you can do to solve it. And, as I say this, if you have staff, if you get that reaction from staff, it means again, you've shut them down, and I'm not going to go into that in this podcast. Leadership is nothing to do, but not in this particular podcast. So what's alternative?

Speaker 1: 5:51

So perhaps a better way of doing this, or certainly a way that is likely to get you a much more productive result, is to say something like would it be helpful if I were to give you a quick overview of how we help companies, of how we help companies people like yourself, or would you rather talk about what it is you're looking for? First, what your goals are. So it's a very small shift, but what it does is actually two things in there. First of all, you're steering it towards them. You're opening the opportunity for them to talk about what their issue is, what they want to talk about, and secondly, you've given them a choice. So that choice is you want to give us an overview or you want to dive into what your objectives are. So there's two really important things there. So the first one using the traffic lights you're switching it to them green light and secondly, there's choice, so that will reduce the chance of this emotional reactance kicking in. So how do you actually do that in practice? So there's really three techniques that you can use and they definitely work. So the first one is to ask permission, and it's really important that you do that early and you do it often.

Speaker 1: 7:15

And what most people do bad sales I'm not saying bad sales people. What I mean really is unsuccessful sales people, let's say, but they're using the wrong techniques. What they'll tend to do is just dive straight in and do their pitch. We all know about the pitch. If you've been in sales for any length of time, you'll know about that. If you've been the person being sold to, I imagine you'll be very familiar with that and also how annoying, frankly, it can be. So don't launch into your pitch.

Speaker 1: 7:44

Start off with something like would it be okay if I shared a few thoughts based on what I've seen with clients that we have who are similar to yourself and the very fact that you're giving them you're asking the question, you're making it. Their decision gives the control back to the client. And this is really important and, in fact, an analogy I used to use, certainly when I was doing sales every day. To me it was a little bit like fishing. So I don't know if you know anything about fishing I don't know very much, I'll be honest, so you may well pull me up on this, but I used to regard it as kind of like fly fishing.

Speaker 1: 8:26

So you sort of pull the rod back, you throw it, you kind of flick it forward the lure or whatever the bait goes out into the river or wherever you're fishing, and the fish gets it. And what do you do? So you can try pulling that fish in straight away, but if it's a strong fish you might want to tire it a bit first. So what you do? You let it swim for a little bit, then you pull it back in a little bit, then you let it swim, you pull it back in. And this is how I tend to regard the conversations that I have with clients, because I know where I want to get them. I want to get them onto the bank, not so that I can stun them, but if you understand what I mean. But I want to get them onto the bank so I can, or get them into the net that you pick the fish up with, but I know that they need to swim around a little bit. First we need to have the discussion, so I need to let them swim, and it's not just to tie them out, to use that analogy, but it's actually really useful because it allows me to get the gold. It allows me to really understand what it is they're trying to achieve, and this is really important. But if you shut them down, they're not going to tell you. So this is why it's so important to keep this conversation open. Let them feel in control, because the more in control they feel, the more open they're going to be with you, and in doing that, they give you all of the information you need to close that sale effectively.

Speaker 1: 9:45

So the first option there is to ask permission. The second one is just to be very aware of your language. So a lot of people will use phrases like oh, you need to, or you should do all of that kind of thing. That's quite pushy, that's quite controlling, so you need to. Or use phrases like what you have to do is that you know that kind of thing. So all of these things are quite controlling. So you want to give them, you want to use language that gives them autonomy, makes them feel like they're in charge. So alternatives would be to use phrases like one option could be to do whatever Some teams in your position choose to do. Whatever that might be, um, you might find it helpful to consider.

Speaker 1: 10:38

And then something else. In fact, I was with somebody from the UK, a visitor I had from the UK when I was selling in Sydney. We were actually with a client and they were questioning one of the technical claims that was being made, or one of the technical arguments, and this guy was brilliant. He just said, yes, you would have thought that would be true, wouldn't you? But what we found, in fact, when we did it? So they kind of acknowledged and empowered the client raising the objection, and it actually agreed with them that what they were raising was quite reasonable. And then, turning it around, simple, I'd saying, yes, we looked at that and in fact what we found when we did that was this particular outcome. So what you're doing, you're acknowledging, you're showing respect to the client, you're showing genuine interest, but you're keeping them in charge or letting them feel that they're in charge. So back to the fish analogy while they're swimming around, they feel like they're making good progress, whereas in fact you're giving them that space so that first of all, emotionally, they're much more likely to go with you and, secondly, you're getting really useful information.

Speaker 1: 11:48

And then the third thing is to just be genuinely curious about what they are trying to do. And again, so many times I've seen salespeople walk in and I've been guilty of doing this myself early on, because I'd look at the client, I'd look at what they were doing, I'd look at my solution and say, oh, I know what they need, they just need this. And when you go into a client with that kind of an attitude, you really you stop listening to them because you know what they need. So they're just going to talk, there's background noise, and then you can get to close them. And in fact, in doing that, by not listening, you are definitely in a situation where you could be missing something really important, some crucial outcome they need from what you're offering, or some small aspect or small to you. That's actually quite critical to the sale. So it's really important that you listen quite critical to the sales. So it's really important that you listen, that you're genuinely curious.

Speaker 1: 12:42

So, again, instead of using a phrase like we can definitely solve that for you, use something that is more consultative with them. Something like that's a challenge that we hear a lot, and I'm really curious how that's showing up for you specifically. So that's also a good one to get them to be as specific as possible. So it really is about you working with them, you being a guide, but letting them feel like they're kind of leading the way to go. Okay, so I hope that's made sense to you.

Speaker 1: 13:20

Now I am putting there is a small PDF that you can download with some additional material that might be useful. So there's a link in the description to get you to that. Or there should be, or you can jump onto the website, or you can even contact me. So all of that is good, but just to sum this up very simply, people really hate being sold to. They don't like being sold to because it actually encourages or it initiates a psychological resistance, and this comes down to protecting freedom, freedom of choice, freedom of action.

Speaker 1: 14:05

So the fix to that is to, first of all, just look at the kind of phrasing you use. What's your approach? When you're with a client, are you pretty much trying to dictate to them what they should be doing? And that might be a strong term for what you're doing, but essentially, if you are not giving them choice, not giving them freedom or that's what they're feeling anyway then that is essentially what you're doing. So the key things are to just make small changes in how you frame things, ask permission, offer them choice, be genuinely curious about what it is they're trying to achieve, and when you do that, the person that you're selling to will feel like they are in control. They will feel that you really want to help them, and I've said in other places what salespeople are or the best way to regard yourself is a problem solver for your clients, because then it's about solving the problem or problems that they have, and this allows that by being genuinely curious and using these phrases, it will allow the buyer to lower their guard in as much as they're not resistant to you anymore. They're actually start to genuinely feel that you're there to help them resolve whatever the issue is that they have.

Speaker 1: 15:25

So if you found that useful, please take a look at the website. The links are in the description. There is a free webinar. It's about 45 minutes and I go through three things that can make an immediate difference to your sales. There is also a PDF you can download with this particular episode and that just has a few more suggestions for you for how you can be more approachable, let buyers feel that they're in control, and just by making these changes particularly if you are one of these people who tends to just dive in with your pitch don't do that. Use some of the techniques I've described here, and that should make a big difference to your sales. So, thanks very much for your attention. Forgive me the time and I'll speak to you in the next podcast. Bye for now.